Offended People Are People Too
changing my mind in the middle
Dearest Aspirants,
This note was going to be about the seemingly reprehensible attribute of being offended.
Specifically, that band of people, often found under the guise of screen on the internet, known as the Perpetually or Permanently Offended.
I've written about this group before: those who seem to intentionally seek out the offensive to draw attention to themselves, elicit reactions, or bolster their own sense of moral superiority -with no genuine concern for the impact of their actions (nothing big, just altering the DNA of others!).
I was going to talk about the Semmelweis Effect, what I deemed as the probable cause of taking offense:
The Semmelweis Effect, also known as "Semmelweis Reflex," is a phenomenon in which individuals or groups reject new knowledge despite compelling evidence supporting the new ideas…to their detriment.
Dr. Ignaz Semmelweis, a Hungarian physician in the 19th century made a groundbreaking discovery related to handwashing in healthcare settings. He found that if physicians washed their hands between birthing a baby and caring for the mother that birthed the baby, postpartum women wouldn't catch puerperal fever and die.
His findings were met with resistance and skepticism by the medical community at the time.
The doctors were offended! That Semmelweis would even suggest the hands of physicians were dirty, as esteemed gentlemen of the community! It was incongruent with their way of seeing and understanding the world.
Semmelweis was committed to an insane asylum and would stay there until he died. And doctors went on killing postpartum women by not washing their hands for 20 more years. Bleak, but true.
Then, I would go into how the doctors, like the Perpetually or Permanently Offended, were operating under a stew of mind trappings including:
cognitive dissonance; the theory that suggests people alleviate the discomfort of holding contradictory beliefs by rejecting new information vehemently (Sweet, sweet denial).
confirmation bias; the theory that people tend to only seek out information that confirms their existing beliefs and dismisses any new information that challenges the status quo. And don't you know it, they always find it!
ingrained beliefs; the thoughts that have been thought so many times they’ve turned into deep-seated beliefs masquerading as values.
groupthink; fear of going against the prevailing opinion within their social or professional circles and never being invited to a party again.
This essay would have served as a reminder of the vital importance of open-mindedness, evidence-based thinking, and a willingness to adapt to new knowledge, even when it challenges everything you’ve previously decided was legit. I would have included the quote by Carl Jung: Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering. *chef’s kiss
But then, but then,
But then, I got offended. Deeply offended. By a post on the internet.
It was about mindfulness. Of all the things to have a reaction about…
And how did I deal with this reaction? I commented on the post. (I know, I know)
To my measly credit, my first comment (yes, I made more than one) was clarifying if the way I was receiving the post was as it was intended. It was a photo of a dog with it's eyes glossed over; Have you considered Mindfulness?
Let me explain: There's a backlash on the internet from those who see mindfulness as 'spiritual-bypassing' (ugh, that word) or 'commodified, capitalism-driven pop spirituality.'
I don’t want to burden you with my take on this, but since you asked…
To this backlash I would say, I wish!
I wish it bypassed anything, but unfortunately it asks of us to be all-in, knee-deep with our suffering instead of simply wishing it weren’t there.
I wish it was capitalism-driven, but, thus far, it has not been a capitalist-satisfying endeavor. My wallet remains filled with slips that say ‘I see the value, but I don’t have the time.’
And I wish it was poppy, but as of now, the only established place to learn it (outside of on the internet with me!) is in hospices, cancer-treatment centers and rehab hospitals with nary an irreverent meme in sight.
When it was made clear that the post was indeed how I received it, I commented again. This time, from a different place. A place that was tired of the people turning others off of a practice that could save them from a place of fatal ignorance. Like the doctors refusing to wash their hands! In my retort I ask “Don't you think this post is further pushing the misrepresentation of the practice?”
And I didn't need to do that. I already knew the answer.
The poster threw me in the camp of the 'Permanently Offended' and it felt like incest was happening.
Here it was, my own careless, morally superior vocabulary thrown right back at me. It was like a sick game of virtuous tennis.
From the bleachers, the reactions of the offended always came across as jumpy and anxious, but it felt differently out on the court.
I remembered a news segment about the legitimacy of taking off your shoes before you enter another's home. There was scientists and theorists going to bat for their side of the fence, and then there was an interview with a young Korean man who said his grandmother always told him, 'When you wear shoes in my home, it is like walking across my heart.'
This felt a lot like someone was walking across my heart in their cruddy shoes.
I felt a kinship with anyone who's ever taken offense. It's real. It's valid.
I was “bad othering” the offended.
It’s one of the effects of our current climate, a fearful, PTSD society. There’s a hijacking of our survival brain. We’re scanning for difference and danger. And that includes the badness of “others.” We’re translating other people’s views with a deep mistrust and a perception that the other side is morally depraved.
If I were to be actually practicing mindfulness, I would have thought of this. I would have remembered to intend to see the vulnerability in my fellow humans. When we’re angry and blaming, there’s something we’re not seeing: how a person might be suffering.
If you’re walking in the woods, you see a dog under a tree, and you go to pet it, but it lunges at you with its fangs bared, you shift from feeling friendly to being angry and scared. But then you see that the dog has its leg in a trap, and you shift to, “Oh, you poor thing.” You might not get close to it, because it’s still dangerous, but you’re no longer blaming. It’s no longer a “bad other.”
Originally, I wanted to help you see the ways in which you could AVOID being offended by arming yourself with the knowledge of the mind trappings that can cause it. But now, I offer myself as an example, hopefully, that the Perpetually or Permanently Offended are people, too, with real hearts. And changing your mind, even halfway through an essay, is really hot.
Here’s to your about-face!
abigail
If you’re interested in learning mindfulness from someone who doesn’t always remember to practice it, I’m co-teaching an 8-week Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction course this Fall starting Oct 23rd. My darling Readers get 20% off with MINDFUL20
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Changing your mind is hot!!!!! ❤️🔥